It’s easier to catch a fly with honey than vinegar.
We grow up hearing this proverb (or perhaps something similar in our particular culture or language). The idea behind it is that we get farther with people, even the ones we dislike, if we are pleasant to be around than if we are unpleasant. There’s a degree of social engineering implicit in it; we’re being taught that being nice is more likely to bring us success in any endeavor than not being nice will.
I’ve always thought this was rather manipulative; I should “pretend” to be kind to get what I want, even if I dislike the person from whom I need what I want? It struck me as wrong. It seemed hypocritical. It was a lie. I’m being told to be honest… but to be kind to get what I want. It was a disconnect in my brain. How could I ever get the vinegar of my feelings for someone to seem sweet like honey?
Unconsciously, I’d hit on a very real problem. Allow me to illustrate:
I used to work in a small office with four other ladies. I adore these ladies, and it was difficult for me to leave, but I did so that I could come home and do what I’m doing now; write for you. Anyway, one day, one of them was told all the many virtues of taking apple cider vinegar. It was supposed to be a sort of panacea for all that ailed you. Four of the five of us summoned up the courage to try it.
We tried diluting it in water. No dice. We tried adding honey. It sat like sludge in the bottom of the cup. One of us (quite possibly me, I forget) thought that if we warmed it like tea, it would warm the honey, and we could then stir it in better, dissolving it through. I think the septic pipe that ran up the wall next to my desk smelled better.
There was no amount of honey we could to this vinegar to make it palatable. Most of us decided this was untenable. The sweet lady who had been told about it continued for a few more days, but I think she’s long since given it up. And of course, the one who’d sat the whole affair out laughed with us at our attempts, very pleased she’d resisted.
You see, you can’t fake nice. You can’t change vinegar into honey, or add honey to it to change it. No, you have to start with honey if you want honey. You have to start with nice if you want nice.
Ah, but how to do that? Because there are people who try everyone’s patience, people who are very difficult to be nice to. Trust me, I know. I have them in my life. I think it takes 3 steps to change your outlook with these people.
Step One: Be willing to change you.
Yes, I said it. You can’t change them. You can’t make them pleasant to be around. You can’t change the traits they have that annoy you. And the proverb never says a thing about changing the fly. It’s all about what traits you display. So start by looking at you. In what ways can you change yourself to be a more pleasant, kind person? How can you start making the world a better place because you’re in it? Can you be a better you? If you can do these things, you begin changing your essential nature from vinegar to honey. You have to be remade… but remember… no faking. Really remake your attitudes.
Step Two: Be willing to change your outlook.
You’ve begun to change who you are, becoming more pleasant to be around. People like spending time with you. But you still have problems with some people. They still seem to bother you. So try seeing them through different eyes. Instead of seeing the ways they annoy you, look for redeeming qualities. I do this by asking God to show them to me through His eyes, but this can be as simple as seeing a coworker through the eyes of his family instead of through your own. It’s the idea of walking a mile in someone else’s shoes. Change your perspective on people. Humble yourself a little. You’re no better than they are; it’s not that far from where you are to where they are.
Step Three: Recognize that some people really are toxic.
Yes, I said that people are toxic. It hurts my heart to admit that. There are some relationships that you have to limit or cut off; it’s not healthy for you or your family to attempt to continue them, and it doesn’t accomplish enough good in the life of the toxic person to keep exposing yourself to them. It’s about recognizing when a relationship does more harm than good, even if that relationship is supposed to be the ONE you can count on. Nothing in this life is guaranteed, not even our relationships, and hanging onto toxic ones are unhealthy.
One of the things I’ve had to learn in life is that if I want to be the sort of person that people want to spend time with, I have to be genuinely pleasant. I can’t fake it, I can’t phone it in. If nothing else, I know I’m faking it, and I’m not having fun, and that makes it harder for me to be pleasant to other people. On the other hand, if I will work on changing those traits in myself that I dislike, then I’m more likely to be good company. If I work on seeing people from a different perspective, then I’m more tolerant of our differences and more willing to come to a place of commonality. And when I remove the toxic relationships in my life, I’m free to continue the first two.
I hope, someday, to be strong and healthy enough to be able to go to some of these toxic relationships and work on reintegrating them into my life within safe limits. I haven’t really cut any of them completely off; it’s more of a situation of carefully controlled exposure. But it’s always in the hope that someday we can be brought back to a place of wholeness. In the meantime, I work on being honey. Vinegar is just no fun for anyone.
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